Dear Diary..

You know I can't lie to you, I can't keep a secret from you and I always let you know how I feel. The funny thing is that I never let you know when I feel great. Is it because I never do, or because it's more fun to talk about sadness? I don't know.
Dear Diary there is actually not much that I really know of. To be honest; the words "I don't know" are my most used words at the moment. People ask me questions everyday and they don't get any easier to answer. I hoped for some answers from you, but I think I've realised that I've to figure it all out by my self.
Dear Diary I don't know what to do, or what to think, or what to say. I hardly know who I am anymore. I feel like a complete different person and it's all so confusing. I wish I could describe how it feels. I want someone to know how it feels to be empty, to cry with no tears, how it feels to be up all night, how to look into the dark and see nothing. I feel so alone sometimes, and when I realise I've noone to tell, I feel even more alone.
Dear Diary what should I do? I'm tired of making the wrong decisions all the time, to disappoint people and to sleep with open eyes. I'm tired of everything and I try so bad to change it, but nothing happens.
Dear Diary do you believe in a happy ending?

Dear Diary..

... I'm confused again. For a moment or two it feels like I've everything under control, and during the third moment I lose it all.

Dear Diary it's like, I want to control every minute of my future and at the same time I just wanna lose my self to chance. After all, what is life without some risks?

Dear Diary it's been said that you have to take a risk once in a while, that's what you have to do to discover something new. Even though everybody agrees with that claim, they're still too afraid to actually break the rules and go for the risks. I don't get it. Why say something, or even agree with what someone else says, if you don't behave like you mean it after you've said it?

Dear Diary Sometimes I feel so alone when I'm trying my best to do what's not expected from me. What's expected is education, job, family, house, husband... perhaps a dog. That is some kind of idea of an easy, normal, perfect life. It's probably easier than change direction and break all the rules. This is probably the answer to my confusion. Should I let my engine continue to run, or should I do as everybody else - save my energy for a tough divorce?

Dear Diary..

... I often write about love, as íf I knew anything about it. I know how it feels to be hurt, I know everything about those emotions.
But do I really know anything about real, pure and happy love?

Dear Diary I keep saying that my only love is be alone. I keep saying that guys are made to have fun with, not to live under the same roof with. I keep saying that there is too much dreams in front of me, that I have no time for silly, disgusting feelings. I keep saying that nothing couldn't be better than it already is. Is it possible that people look at me as if I'm a broken person who talks too much crap and don't understand a damn about anything?

Dear Diary for what I can see, I enjoy being on my own. But they say that nobody wants to be alone and that everybody needs someone in their life. Well.. I have someone in my life - me..

Dear Diray I'm no pro, but is it possible that I'm scared as hell? Perhaps I'm scared to be hurt again, to start the pain all over again and perhaps I'm afraid of falling in love and lose my control...

Dear Diary..

... I'm so tired of this. I'm tired of being some kind of extra person. They always do that. They're always coming back. What I want to tell them is to back off, or better - go to hell, that I never wanna see them again, that I hate them.
Fine, maybe I don't hate them, but it's true - I never wanna see them again, I'm just too kind.

Dear Diary I have a friend, suddenly it turned out that I obviously had a friend. The friend suddenly has other prioritys.
Yeah, I know what you're thinking - how could someone prioritize someone else instead of you?
I was asking the same question, and it turned out - nobody can.
After a time they all come back. They should be standing on their knees, but instead they are all coming with tears.
They are alone, left by everyone but me. Because I'm just to kind... or stupid.

Dear Diary I'm so tired of it. It feels like I'm sort of a shrink or something. People expect me to be there when they arrive. They want me to hug them and tell them I'm here for them. The truth is that they have never, and will probably never, be there for me.
Some of them comes back because they miss me, or so they say. I say they miss great sex. Some of them comes back because everyone else has failed on them. Some of them comes back just because I never got out of their brains. And some of them are just jerks.

Dear Diary I could say it in a short sentence - I'm not worth a horse shit to them.

Dear Diary...

... I'm sooo confused right now. Everything is so perfect in my head, especially he. He is nice, sweet, kind, good-looking, has a good sense of humor and he is there for me all the time. He wants to be with me and he is always very honest. Nothing is wrong with him. In reality he is somebody totally different. He is not like the one in my mind and he makes me confused.

Dear Diary I don't know what to do, I don't know what I want and I don't know what's worth fighting for. I enjoy most of the time of my life. I don't need any new trouble. I don't need this. But still I keep wonder. I have so many questions and now it's too late to ask.

Dear Diary even if I make it a try, and even if I make the wrong decision - could you please tell me that everything will be allright?

Dear Diary...

...I'm scared. The world is too big, I have too many choices and most of the choices I make are totally wrong. I'm just like a hurricane.. but worse. A hurricane kills people just like that. 5 sec and then it's over. I kill them bit by bit.

Dear Diary it's all in front of me. One step and then I'm in my way. One step in an other direction will make everything completely different. Do you understand my fear.. or my frustration? Help me to chose the right direction.

Dear Diary would you still like me if I stayed in bed for a couple of years?

Dear Diary...

... I’m scared. But I don’t completely understand why. I turn my back to my feelings. I turn my back to people me, actually, like.

Dear Diary I’m afraid of fear. Inside of me, I have a black thing, let’s call it a black, very dark box. In that box, I keep my feelings. I force my brain to believe that the feelings are forbidden. It’s a tough work, and I keep it going on all day long.

Dear Diary I’m afraid of dreams, not all of them, but quite many. They confuses my brain.

Dear Diary I’m scared of feelings, feelings I think might be wrong. I call them forbidden feelings. I keep them in my dark box, it makes me believe that they don’t exist. I know it’s sounds crazy, perhaps it is.

Dear Diary I’m scared of everything so I turn my back to everything. I don’t really understand why. I mean, what could I do to make my life any worse than it has already been?

Dear Diary..

.. I'm asking my shelf all the time, and all I want is a simple answer. But I don't get a word, it's tatally quiet.

Dear Diary I don't know what I'm looking for. One of my thoughts is that I want a confirmation. I want to know that I'm a person, possible to love. I want a guy to talk to me like a person, a human, not a girl you can fuck and leave on the street. 

Dear Diary I know I'm stupid. Who could ever love me? Exactly, could you hear an answer for that question?
Neither did I.

Dear Diary there are no answers. I know I will keep doing this, just as I do right now. I will do it until I can't do it anymore. Perhaps I will break a heart, perhaps several. I just have one answer - I won't care at all..

Dear Diary...

... I'm completely lost.

Dear Diary I don't know what I'm doing anymore, or why. I've totally lost the control. I meet the wrong guys, I talk to the wrong girls, I have forgotten the meaning of the word love and all I can think about is my none existing future.

Dear Diary I wish that someone could understand. I'm a smiling girl with no heart. I do whatever I want and I pretend to care, but I'm not so sure I do, really.

Dear Diary sometimes it's pain in the ass to be me, it's pain in the ass to look in the mirror every day and see this kind of person. I don't mean that I'm pretending to be someone I'm not, but it would be a lie, if I said I know who I am.

Dear Diary do you even understand?

Dear Diary...

... He came, we had some fun, he left without saying goodbye. Worst, he was my friend's, best friend.
The next day, the second came, we had some fun, he was a nice guy. We laughed. He left with a few hugs and kisses. He is nice but still an asshole at the same time. He left. One hour later the third arrives. It hurts being such an idiot, but sometimes I really don't care.

Dear Diary the funny thing is that, the first, the second and the third are all a couple of idiots. One question: Why should I care?

One simple answer: Don't.


Dear Diary sometimes I'm huge as a mountain. No guy will ever be good enough for me, so let's just play the game. No tears, no harm, no fear, no emotions, nothing but a good game.

Dear Diary...

... Sometimes I feel that I'm a dog, I eat, I walk, I shit, I sleep... and then it starts all over again. It's so funny! I just love my life, it's awesome.

Dear Diary I'm a dog that can tell lies.. that one was new. I can lie, I can cry without tears, I can sleep with open eyes.

Dear Diary sometimes I love the pain. It hurts so bad and at the same time it feels so great. The pain makes me feel alive. It tells me I can eat, I can walk, I can shit, I can sleep and even lie.

Dear Diary I have no heart, no blood, no brain and no veins and still I'm alive. The pain tells me I'm still alive even if I have no heart. 

Dear Diary...

... I'm back again, here I am! The lonley one, the hated one, the unforgotten. Do you know why people never forget me? It's because there is so many stories behind my back. Most of them are true, I think.. They looking at me, staring actually, telling their friends that I'm the girl they should stay away from. I hit people, I fuck the wrong guys, I have AIDS, I am extremely dangerous and I can kill someone with my breath.

Dear Diary do you know how it feels? Do you know how it feels to be me? I try so hard to fit in, all I want is friends, a life to be proud of and to end up in the middle om my dream. People say I feel sorry for myself. I say I don't. What's wrong with people? I'm not even going to try to tell people the truth. For what? I'm damned.

Dear Diary it's true. I don't care, not a damn shit. Sometimes I laugh. Weird, right? Sometimes I laugh and think that I'm going down, I'm mad, crazy, shouldn't be around. What am I doing?

Dear Diary is's so easy picking a way when you don't care anymore, you have nothing to lose..

Dear Diary...

... He laid next to me in my bed, talking about how beautiful I am. I turned my back. He says I'm beautiful but I can be so cruel sometimes and he doesn't even know. He is a nice guy but not nice enough.

Dear Diary I lost my other half, my friend. Where's my friend now? looking for a new friend?
To be honest, I don't know if I care. I don't care about anything anymore. Sometimes my friends turn me their backs, looking away, pretending I'm ... what am I?

Dear Diary I've lost the control. I went in to the dark with... nothing but something with feelings. Did I hurt it? Wouldn't be my first.

Dear Diary I say: I don't know what I'm doing. I say it too often.

Dear Diary...

They say that everything happens for a reason, I would like to know the reason now, right now if they might.

Dear Diary you can't imagine how much help I need right now. I try to think, to fix everything up, to explain it all to myself. The only answer I get of it is that I don't know a thing after all. If just someone could give me the answer. I want to know what I should do, I want to know the right thing and I want to know what the hell I've done so wrong that I for some strange reason deserve this. 

Dear Diary I can't think clearly anymore. My life is just lika a clock. I wake up, I do something unnecesary, I keep doing something unnecesary, I eat some food (tastes like a horse's dick) I come home, after that I do something unnecesary and then I go to bed. But I don't sleep. I just lay there, thinking of unnecesary shit. A few hours before waking up again I fall to sleep. Isn't it funny? I'm so bored I can't sleep at night. Thanks to that, now I'm tired all the time. 

Dear Diary something is really wrong. My heart beats but I don't feel so much, all I can feel is the pain of everything. I have a brain.. I think. Yeah, I can think, but all I can think of is black things, the dark future. My brain doesn't think I have a future, but it says that if I have one it's dark as hell. 

Dear Diary...

... He tries to talk to me sometimes. I get textmessages every day, but I don't answer any of them. He knows my rules clear enough.  There is no misunderstanding he fooled himself.. again.
I'm clear with my rules, I have nothing more to say.

Dear Diary am I too hard sometimes? I mean, he is just a guy, a poor little guy who doesn't know what he has got in to. What am I saying? He is just a guy, yeah a guy who would know better.

Dear Diary they say love is a wonderful feeling, a feeling all people are looking for. All people wanna feel something called love. What does it mean?
When you love somebody, is it when you walk with a person hand in hand, telling each other how much your love means?

Dear Diary my heart doesn't permit me to feel anymore. I wish that someone could tell me why. Is it because someone hurt me so badly that I'm afraid of love? Will I ever feel something again?

Dear Diary should I just leave it all, move on with my life and stop care about other people's feelings? Should I hurt them just as much as they deserve?

Dear Diary..

... Sometimes I feel like the Devil himself. I have made so many mistakes and I have made the wrong decision in every question for the last weeks.. or months.. I don't know. I hardly know what day it is. I know I have made people feel uncomfortable around me, I have made people feel pain, fear, sorrow and actually, all I want is to make people smile.

Dear Diary sometimes I ask myself why nobody likes me. I don't have to think for many minutes. The answer is not strange at all. If you behave like I do, it is not strange at all that people turn their backs and never want to see you again.

Dear Diary I lost one of my best friends. I don't know why, I am sure I have made something wrong... again, but the one I lost refuses to tell me what it is. I had a fight with two of my best friends, for just one sek I thought I had lost them too.
A few minutes ago I told one of my friends to forget everything about me, to delete everything the one knows about me and never contact me again. And I keep going on.

Dear Diary in this dark, ugly, disgusting world, were I not wanna live anyway. There is just one person- except my family and my absolutely best friends- that likes me, perhaps even loves me and I don't feel a damn thing. I am just going on, keeping playing my game. Perhaps it is easier to not feel, to not think, to not try to learn. Perhaps I learn even more doing that.

Dear Diary...

... He thinks I'm sitting on a chair all day long just thinking of him. He thinks he is the best thing that could ever happen to me. Seriously, I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I don't know when I heard such a pathetic thing last time.

Dear Diary I've messed it up again. Usually I cry but now I don't care. I don't have no heart, I can't feel their pain. I don't even know what people are weeping for. They say they love me. Huh, they don't even know the meaning of those words. 
Dear Diary I'm smiling too often. It's a smile, for God's sake, it's a damn smile.
Dear Diary you don't know how evil it is.

Dear Diary have you ever heard something more pathetic than a guy who thinks he's the most wanted guy in the world. He thinks he is huge like a mountain and he thinks he can do whatever he wants. Perhaps he can, but he thinks he can make people do things for him against their will. He thinks I'm sitting all day long on a fucking chair waiting for him to come and take me back, hold me in his arms and he thinks I want to hear him say : - I love you.
Oh God poor guy.. He doesn't even know the meaning of the words.

Dear Diary..

... I did it again. I don't know why.. or that's a lie. I did it because I like it, I like to do it. How can something that feels so great suddenly become something wrong?

Dear Diary have you ever heard of the story about the two lions and a sheep? It's about two lions wanting a sheep so bad that they are fighting like the sheep was the last one. They are bleeding, suffering, trying to kill each other. What about the sheep? The sheep is scared to death, it's in the middle of everything and it can't escape. Can you see the two lions and the poor sheep?
Sometimes I feel like I'm the sheep.

Dear Diary I can't see the difference between a mistake and something well done anymore.

Dear Diary...

... The girl looks great. When I look in the mirror I see a monster. That's all I can see. When I look at the pictures of her I see an angel. Her face, her skin, her hair.. I'm sure she has a smile to die for. I'm sure they talk about her like she was the most perfect girl in the world.

Dear Diary I try so hard to not think that I'm worthless, I'm ugly, fat, hated by almost everybody. I try so hard to not be jealous. I try so hard to accept that this is who I am, this is who I'm gonna be the rest of my life. Maybe I will get a bit fatter or even thinner. That would be nice. But the point is that I will never be her. What's the point of being jealous? I will never be her

Dear Diary I'm sure she is loved by everyone who looks at her. I'm sure you can't find anything wrong about her.

Dear Diary I know that jealousy doesn't solve any problems. I will still wake up every morning in the same damn body. I will still look at it and hate it just as much as I did yesterday.

Dear Diary...

.. I've been bad again. I wrote something in my blog. I wrote about how a guy falls in love with me... kind of.
It feels so wrong right now because everyone has misunderstood it. They think that I've met a guy, fucked him and now I'm leaving him and he stands right by my back and waiting for me to turn around.

Dear Diary. people are wrong. The text is about so much more. I feel that nobody understands me. I wrote about how a guy calls me every saturday. It's true. He does, but the text isn't just about him calling me for sex.

Dear Diary. I've nevere been this confused. I've never hurt a guy and I've never heard I guy say such things. All I've heard is stuff I don't even want to hear, in fact I hate to hear it over and over again. He said something I've never heard before.

Dear Diary. I think he thinks that I've not heard a word of what he said. He thinks that I live in an other world, he thinks I miss my ex boyfriend and all I can think about is how wounderful he was. He thinks of my ex boyfriend and I can se the jealousy in his eyes. I know the truth, and I also know that the truth is something that the guy will never find out.

Dear Diary. If the guy read the text, he will never talk to me again. He is just like other people. He doesn't get me, he doesn't get the point. Like every one else he has misunderstood.

Dear Diary. I regret so much. But I know one important thing. I can only look foreward and hope for the best.

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